Post 11 - The Failed Stoic

When you sit across the table staring at the face of death, how does your mind work?

It’s not very different from the usual human thought process in that it follows no logic or sequence. It’s, as always, a stream of consciousness, except that with the menacing presence eyeing you from across the table, there appears , in the substratum of your consciousness, a novel and composite feeling comprising fear, sadness, panic, loneliness, and perplexity born of ignorance of the “shores from which no traveler returns”.

It was a long wait in the lobby of Madras Medical Mission Hospital. Waiting for eight hours for confirmation of the deadly news is no fun. Among the thoughts that hobnobbed with each other during those long tense hours, were those related to a few Ph Ds!

Susheela was doing research with me. She is a brilliant person whose research got delayed because of her health problem, which she overcame determinedly and got back to business as soon as she could. She was in the process of submitting her draft, chapter by chapter. Sitting there in the lobby of MMM Hospital, I panicked thinking about her. Oh God! What will she do if I cease to be? Not that I am indispensable to her work, but the formalities of finding a new guide and getting registered could prove to be an endless and time consuming task. Poor girl, she didn’t deserve this delay for no fault of hers. I prayed hard and earnest that I could hang around till she submitted her work. The road ahead of me was certainly not the best for a research guide. I was well aware of the fall out of surgery, chemo and radiation. Yet I hoped and prayed with great pain and anxiety that Susheela could finish her work while I was still around to put my final signature on her thesis.

And then there were my children, both working on their PhDs in the US. There was nothing I was looking forward to more than seeing them complete their work and fulfill the dream they were pursuing, much against the common practice among young people of their age group who who had chosen the much traveled and therefore the safer path of professional education and were already in full employment. As a parent I needed to validate our support given to their choice of academics as their career. I also rather badly wanted to see them vindicate themselves in the choice they had made. Also, there was always that anxiety at the bottom of my heart to see the successful completion of the first imperative milestone in a career in academics.

Thinking about them, wondering if I’ll be around to see the D day was a terribly agonizing experience for me. Sitting in the lobby there, I prayed hard. God, please give me an extension till these three Ph Ds reach the finish mark.

This year, between April and August, all three got their Doctorates. And it looks like I’ll still go on for some more time.

God has been good to me.

But I keep wondering. Why do we think we are indispensable? Why do we pin so much happiness around ourselves and our dear ones?

Why do we humans want to cling on to responsibilities when it is none other than God himself who decides to relieve us of them? Why is it that we are so reluctant to let go of life?

I remember putting these questions to myself sitting there in MMM Hospital, waiting for my death warrant. I remember sighing to myself at the thought of the futility of all the training I had put myself through in developing a stoic attitude to life. Stoicism, I concluded, comes with some ease when the problems that confront us lie within the jurisdiction of life. But when they transgress into eternity, into the to be or not to be question where the choice, unlike in Hamlet’s case, is not in our hands, all the philosophical wisdom that we ever tried to convince ourselves and others of, returns to mock at our inability to walk the talk.

'Cos Life is too beautiful!

Post - 10 No Small Step

The decision to travel by train which leaves at 6.35 am was taken late in the evening. The car was at the garage for service. So my husband Sunny and I left for the railway station early morning by 5.30.

We walked slowly to the junction hoping to hail a passing auto. None came and we reached the junction. There was a bus shed and we waited there ‘cos it was a convenient spot for autos to stop to pick us up. Another ten minutes passed and I began to get nervous. True it’d take less than 10 minutes to the station at that time of the day. But still I was jittery.

“Let’s walk up to the museum", I ventured “We’re sure to get one there.”
“No”, said Sunny. “It is a gradient. You’ll find the climb difficult.”
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll manage.” I was really nervous. It was nearly six. “We’re getting late.”
“Relax Molly.” Cool as usual, was my husband.
So I tried to relax.
Just then a KSRTC city bus appeared and was drawing up to the bus shelter where we were waiting.

A strange excitement gripped me.
“Let’s take the bus”, said I, unable to keep the enthusiasm from my voice.
My cool as a cucumber husband turned towards me with unbelieving eyes and said “You can’t be serious?”
“I’ve never been more serious in my life. Let’s go.”
I grabbed his hand and started rushing towards the bus which had by then stopped for the passengers to board.

“This is the last landmark on my road to normalcy after my illness.” I explained. "You won’t let me go by bus alone. You won’t even let me go with anyone else. But surely I can go with you.”

Negotiating the high steps of the bus was not easy, I must admit. I could feel Sunny waiting behind, ready, I’m sure, to jump into action in case of a mishap. But I got in all right and he followed suit.

The bus was full. So I held on to the iron frame at the back a seat and stood in the aisle. I could see that Sunny had an eye on me, and was standing protectively close – without making it look obvious. The bus started. A couple of minutes later a lady, bless her, who’d been sitting in the centre of the last seat which had no aisle in between, got up and offered her seat.

I sat down facing the empty space of the aisle. Sunny looked at me with a beautifully pleasant and affectionate expression on his face and said something which I didn’t hear. I was sure he said something to the effect that I looked beautiful that day – such was the expression on his face.

"What did you say?" I asked eagerly.
He spoke louder but the expression remained the same. "Pidichurunno" (Hold on to something).

Why waste such a beatific expression for that boring instruction, I wondered glumly. Of course I knew the answer. He’s being protective without making it appear so, I thought as I held the headrest firmly.

I saw him look back a couple of times to see if I was safe and secure. Soon he got a seat a few rows ahead. Making sure I still had that firm grip on the headrest, he went forward.

The minute he sat down, I let go of the headrest and put my hand down on my lap, cos that posture was getting to be a little uncomfortable.

The bus hurtled towards the destination and I was looking out lost in thought when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

It was a lady, apparently a fish vendor. She looked at me seriously and said "Pidichurunno"!

A small incident, too insignificant to be blogworthy, you might think.

But for me, it was a giant leap. Getting into the KSRTC like I did today, once again being able to do something that I used to do with the greatest ease till a couple of years back, was indeed no small step.

It has been a long and arduous journey, but I’m finally back home.

Post - 9 thank you for the music

talat, denver, rafi
alliyaambal and eleanor rigby
silk route and sindu bhairavi
among others
waft in
flutter in
one after the other - -
as I sit here and now


the mind plays truant
strays, despite itself.
visits memories
buried under heaps of sunshine and life

the pain of no more music!
what sort of heaven can it be?

Post 8 - Maundy Thursday

Maundy Thursday and my maid on leave! I have always loved the indriappam (Kerala version of unleavened bread) and the pesaha palu (milk) but the laborious process of making them have always been slightly intimidating. But I’ve always been very fortunate to have good domestic helps who, without grumbling would grate three to four coconuts, extract the milk (something I hate doing-messy, time consuming,tedious and boring) and all the cleaning of onions, garlic for the appam.

For this pasaha, my maid was on leave. I know many Nazarane families have given up this practice of making appam and palu – but not for a moment did I think of not making it. My eighty plus ammachi (mother-in-law) with poor eyesight and a weak heart and I, still treated like cut-glass after my brush with cancer, decided that maid or no maid, appam and palu we shall make. How can you think of Maundy Thursday without them?

We got the neighbours maid to grate coconuts. The rest of the process, the two of us managed.

By one thirty everything was ready, and now I am waiting for Sunny and ammachi to come back from the Church. I didn’t go for the service as we cannot leave achachan ( my father-in-law) who is ninety plus alone in the house. When they return he will cut the appam ie break the bread. Unleavened on this day.

Why do I post this in the ragtobe blog? Because, at this moment I feel so grateful to be back to my old normal self - to be healthy enough to make Indriyappam and palu without a domestic help.

The Maundy Thursday of 2007 had me wondering if I’d be around for another one. In 2008, I was grateful that I was still around to be part of the rituals.

Today, I feel infinitely grateful to my God that I can do all I could before the disease hit me like a ton of bricks.

And then I wonder, what was it all about? Why did I get the disease in the first place and why did He heal me?

What is it that He wants from me?

Post -7. Unless the Lord Keepeth the City - - -

I’ve heard those words ever since I remember. My mother often articulated them. I’ve heard them from the pulpit; I have heard them on many occasions, all my life, from so many people. But they hardly had any impact on me. But when Dr. Joe uttered them on that terrible day, they didn’t bounce off me as they always did. Instead, they pierced through the armour of despair and fear which had gripped me ; they pierced and made a slow but steady entry into my very thought process, and eventually doused that smouldering fear which had been showing signs of flaring up into an all consumig flame.

It was a Monday, I remember. Dr. Saji came into my room with Sunny. One look at their faces and I knew all was not well. Saji came up to me and said that he had to be away for a few days but had made arrangements for further investigation. He then bade me good bye and turned to go.

I stretched out my hand and caught him by the wrist. “I prefer to know”, I said. “Don’t keep me in the dark”.

He explained. He tried to sound as positive as he could. And then he left. Stunned and distressed by the news that the tumour in the iliac bone was a secondary growth, I lay in the hospital bed with my eyes closed. I didn’t want Sunny and Annu to see the misery in them. Soon, I began to feel drowsy. The hangover of anasthesia.

So the primary culprit is lurking somewhere, I remember thinking before drifting off to sleep.

I woke up an hour later. It was then that the full implication of the pathogy report hit me – like a ton of bricks. Where is the primary growth, I wondered in a panic. In those dreadful moments, I realized that fear is not just a mental state. It is a very physical experience. From somewhere in the pit of my stomach, it rose like a burning sensation which spread rapidly through my whole being, making me feel weak and listless. I was in this terrible state when Dr. Joe came to visit me. His wife was my relative. Joe himself was my colleague’s son.

“What have I done to deserve this?” I asked him. I don’t as a rule indulge in such sentiments, but Dr. Joe had come in before I could regain my equilibrium after the blow.

“It has nothing to do with deserving, aunty”, he said. “It’s all part of God’s Plan”.

I looked at him with all the resentment I felt against the Almighty in my eyes.

Seeing my expression he said gently but earnestly, “ Nothing happens without HIS knowledge”.

To date, I believe that is the precise moment that my recovery began. That clichéd quotation, all on a sudden, ceased to be a cliché, and became so loaded with meaning that it became my refuge and protection, and kept my spirits from sagging when assailed by dark fears and doubts.

I honestly do not know what I would have done without my God beside me. He was there all the time. There were times during the period of treatment when I was unspeakably tired and listless, and used to move in and out of disturbed sleep which gave no rest to the mind or body. On many such occasions, He came in different forms to revive my spirits. Sometimes it was in the form of my sisters-in-law Maye, Mini or Lee whom, in my dazed condition, I used to find sitting by me reading out prayers or novenas, or reciting the Rosary.

On another occasion, His healing touch came through the person of my eldest brother who had come to spend some time with me. I was grappling with nausea and intense fatigue. “I can’t even pray ”, I confided in him.
“Be still and know I am your God”, he quoted from the Psalm 46. It is strange and amazing how that oft quoted words had such a recuperative effect on me. I turned those words over and over in my mind and drifted off to a very peaceful slumber from which I woke up feeling fresh!

Now I know why most of the miracles of Christ were in the form of healing. For it is sickness that sends man knocking at heaven’s gate. It is sickness that makes man feel that he is dealing with something that is not within his control. All other human problems fade into insignificance when placed beside a disease that can kill. That’s when the atheist and the agnostic decide to turn to God as a last resort.

That’s when a believer experiences the steadying hands of her Faith in a power superior to anything humans can aspire to become. Faith kindles hope, which in turn, translates itself into strength, courage, and the determination to fight the killer disease.

As I lay on the hospital bed during the three hour chemo infusion, quotes that were stored in my mind de frosted themselves and kept reverberating in my mind, keeping me cheerful and “chirpy” (a la sunny). Of course the quotes were usually not correct, word for word, but many combined to convey the same truth. “Neither poultice nor physicians My Lord, but your word alone can heal me”. “If I should walk in the darkness, I shall not fear, for you are with me, Lord”, I silently repeated to myself before each surgery till I slipped into the unconscious state.

Deep inside me was a confidence that my God will heal me. Believe it or not, this gives birth to a new faith in the regenerative power of one’s own body, of its power to heal itself.

Post 6. You've Got Friend

Looking back, I realize that in my battle with the killer disease, my side had a stronger force lined up. From the moment the news got out that my condition was dicey, we knew we were not alone. Siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews, elders in the family, colleagues and friends enlisted themselves voluntarily on our side of the battle line. And the number kept multiplying. We were inundated with telephone calls – from all parts of the country and the world. Though the omnipresent enemy performing his dance of death continued to cast his eerie shadow on us, he was kept at bay by the hands of my comrades–in-arms, extended in gestures of solidarity.

I can never forget the day I landed in the Nedumbaserry airport in Kochi to start the treatment. As I was wheeled out of the airport, I saw my all our siblings - both Sunny’s and mine- who were in India waiting to receive us. Spontaneously, I waved out to them animatedly, and only then remembered that it was not a happy occasion that had brought them all there together to receive me. I told myself I should behave, but try as I did, I simply could not put a lid on my excitement. What I was I so happy about? The meaning of their presence there? Or was it that I was just happy to be alive to be at the receiving end of all that affection? I do not know. But one thing I knew for sure. My God was with me.

Difficult days followed my arrival in Kochi. Chemotherapy was everything I had feared it would be. But the ordeal was not mine alone. Looking back I’m amazed at how so many people threw themselves into this mission of helping me tide over this terrible crisis.

Sometimes well meaning friends tell me I should put those traumatic days behind me, and look ahead. But how can I do that? The twelve months that followed the diagnosis was a period in which the film fell from my eyes and I soldiered on through traumatic but apocalyptical days to arrive at the beautiful truth that no enemy can overcome us if Man and God gang up together.

But there were some few rare moments that I’d like to put behind me forever - moments when the horror stories I’d heard about the disease which afflicted me would surge up from some hidden regions of my mind and topple my mental equilibrium. At other times, images of the ravages that this disease can inflict on the helpless human being- images which I had personally witnessed- appeared out of nowhere and lingered menacingly before the mind’s eye. Those were terrible dark moments when a pall of gloom would shroud me and a heaviness seemed to settle physically in the chest cavity, almost choking me. The intensity of the feeling would soon diminish but its fall out was a feeling of withdrawal from life, a suspension of that sense of belonging to the stream of life flowing around me. The people with whom I interacted – even my close ones – would then seem to inhabit a world that was no longer mine – or would not be for long. Believe me, those were moments of utter loneliness when I felt no one could reach me.

It was in one such moment that my brother came to tell me that his son, my nephew was releasing a music CD that he had composed and that he wanted me to be the first customer. He asked me to get ready for the small function that that was to be organized in my sister-n-law’s house where I was during the period of treatment.
‘You’d better hurry”, I told him. “My hair has started falling”.
“So what”, butted in my young nephew Sunil. “It’ll come back”. He said it casually, as though I was making much do about nothing. Sunil’s conviction about a return to normalcy, and the dismissive tone in which he referred to my illness had the impact of lightening that heaviness in my chest.
Strange, how that little episode blew away the oppressive dark mood. With all the excitement about and preparation for the CD release rituals, I was, without my realising it, abruptly yanked back to the life I had begun to lose grip over.
The mind does not always obey us. It sometimes strays into areas around which we would, if possible, have put an electric fencing. But I am glad that these desolate areas are generously spotted with oases in which the truant mind can dwell, forgetting the arid misery that surrounded these cool regions. Heart warming memories inhabit these oases. Not great heroic deeds that call for Homeric similies to describe them; but their impact on me lies beyond words and they leave me speechless with gratitutde - - -

Like my husband’s sisters whose kept aside the normal routine of their lives during the entire period of the chemo cycles!

Or my siblings who were always around to accompany us to the hospital , doc’s house - -

Or My daughter arriving from the US like a santa with suitcases fill of food supplements to fortifiy me against the disease, or going down on all fours to scrub and clean and carve out a super sterilised space for me.

Or my son rushing down funds even without asking us whether we needed it.

“Have dates and six pieces of cashew nuts daily. It’s a tested and tried diet to sustain normal blood count”. That was the then Manager of the College where I worked, a priest whose rough and tough exterior scarcely revealed his real nature. His call came while I was hospitalized for neutropenia management. I was touched, to say the least.

“Take this daily”, said my younger brother, handing over a tin of Amway’s food supplement. He earnestly pointed out how one of our relatives who was afflicted by cancer a decade ago was still around, despite the prognosis which gave her not more than a year.

“Miss, I just wanted to hear your voice. Take it easy. You’ll be fine. This is part of life”. My lawyer friend from Changanasserry.

“Amma, will you loose your hair?”. My son from far away. Helpless. Miserable. Unable to make an effort to sound normal. It was my turn to sound frivolous “Yeah yeah. You know I always wanted to chop off my hair, but never had the guts”. I didn’t fool him any. “It’s Ok, so long as you are OK”. There was something in his voice which told me he was not OK.

Tender coconut water was the only thing I could stomach in those terrible days when my whole system was revolting against the fumes of chemo. My sister-in-law’s husband used to pick them up every day whenever he saw them while driving, in order to ensure that the shortage in our nearby market did not hit me –with the result that at one point, there were enough tender coconuts in the house to start a business.

It warms my heart when I think of my son-in-law, who had come down from the US, bringing his aged parents from Mumbai and spending a whole day with me in the room of the Ladies Hostel where I stayed during the radiation treatment, taking special permission from the sisters who managed the hostel.


A painting of Mother Mary on my wall takes me back to a day in the week before the chemotherapy treatment began. Three colleagues, all retired, pleaded to be allowed to come. I agreed, but reluctantly ‘cos I had some hang-up about being seen in my handicapped condition. After the bone surgery, I moved about – hopped about would be more correct- with the help of a walker. But the minute I saw them, I was glad they came. Not just glad - immensely happy. Suddenly we were talking of the good old days, of politics, movies – like the old times. And the disease and impending chemotherapy seemed not formidable enough to cast a shadow on me. One of them had painted that picture for me, framed it and brought that bulky piece all the way from Trivandrum. It now adorns a wall in my house, a sweet reminder that the beauty of friendship and camaraderie that we tend to take for granted most of the time.

Technology also did its part in brightening up those days. Not a day began or ended without good morning and good night text messages from Chinny, my friend and colleague from Mavelikara. She knew the dates when chemo had to be administered and send messages most appropriate to the occasion. And most of them were uproariously funny that they had the instant effect of making the world look a better place!

And then there was my brother in the USA, whom we refer to in jest as DR.Pal on account of his encyclopaedic knowledge about diseases, medicines, alternate treatments, health diet, food supplements, the works. He spent days browsing the net for information on my type of carcinoma, downloaded information regarding the success stories of certain food supplements and dietary habits in combating cancer, and consolidated, edited and sent the matter to me as attachment. He was not the only one. My niece from the US emailed a few downloads of blogs of people with complaints similar to mine, who worked their way back to normal life. Reading these material did a whale of a lot of good to me. I began to gain confidence that with a change in life style, I’d come out of it.

The room in the ladies hostel near the hospital where I underwent radiotherapy never ever looked like that of a patient suffering from cancer. Sally, my colleague kept me company during most of the 2 months I spent there. When she had business of her own to attend to, three other colleagues,Annakutty,Rosemary and Teresa or my sister- in- law maymol took over. No matter who was with me, we had a thumping time.

I sometimes wonder why people were so good to me. Like that song goes
Somewhere in my youth or childhood,
I must have done something good,
Cos nothing comes from nothing,
Nothing ever does.

But , for the life of me, I cannot remember that good deed I had done – if I did-which explains my husband’s and our siblings, or Sr. Geo Maria, my former principal’s or Sally’s or Teresa’s or Rosemole’s or Annakutty's determined efforts not to surrender me to the foe.

Yes, not a day passes without me trying to figure out what I had done to deserve so much affection from so many people. During the course of my treatment, I had occasion to meet a lot of patients and listen to the heart breaking stories of isolation during this traumatic period, of the unbearable misery rising from the absence of people to extend that hand of support, or shortage of funds to carry on the expensive treatment..

Yes. My comrade-in-arms got their act together. They were determined that I pull my self through the great trial. And I felt I owed it to them to do that.

Never, never shall I take their solidarity for granted. I consider myself singularly blessed, for, I have seen the dreadful anguish of those who were not so lucky.

Post 5. Dr. Saji Joseph

The medical investigations comprising a comprehensive blood work had showed nothing to indicate malignancy. So the orthopedic doctor whom we consulted in Chennai suggested a needle biopsy of the lesion in the iliac bone. He himself performed the procedure. During the three agonizing days of wait before the results, Sunny had fallen quiet. Those days in Chennai where the first lap of investigation took place, were like a nightmare in which the two of us moved like zombies, as though taken by some unseen, unknown force from the guest house to hospitals, from one department to another, from hospitals to diagnostic centers and the back again to the guest house. Our peaceful, normal life which we had just left behind seemed like an unreal dream.

“I hope God will give us the strength to carry the cross he gives us”, said Sunny in a deadly quiet tone. The words reverberate in my ears even now as I write, and the expression on his face as he uttered those words is one I would never like to see again.

The needle biopsy result came. No malignancy, no bone TB. Possible Paget’s disease. We celebrated. Any disease was welcome – any disease other than cancer. We went to the Shrine of Our Lady of Velankanni in Chennai and offered thanks giving Mass. Back in the guest house after the mass, we were in a lighthearted mood, called up friends and relatives who were anxiously waiting for the biopsy result, spoke to them with great levity, trivializing the collective anxiety that had held us in its grip. We spoke to our children who were in the US about the agonizing story of the previous two weeks, which ultimately had a happy ending.

The next day, we had an appointment with the ortho doc in order to decide on the treatment for Paget's disease. The doctor’s behaviour unsettled us. He asked us to go for a second opinion. What caused him to change his mind overnight was a mystery, but he had taken the slides from us to be reviewed. He assured us that there was nothing different in the review from the first pathology report. Nevertheless, he wanted us to go for a second opinion.

Back to square one, again. Back in the guest house, we sat before the TV with unseeing eyes, wondering “what next?’. With a bleeding heart, I asked my God what either of us had done to deserve this terrible torment. Just then, like a bolt from the blue, Dr. Saji Joseph’s name thrust itself into my troubled mind and I gave him a ring immediately. He was my cousin’s husband, an orthopedic doctor in St. John’s hospital in Bangalore, known for his diagnostic skill and humane approach to the patients. He listened to me and said
“Molly chechi, take the earliest flight and come here. I’d like to see you”
Hoping against hope, I asked,”Is Paget’s disease that serious”.
He spoke quietly, gently. “I don’t think this is Paget’s disease. That’s why I’d like to see you.”

Like they say, it takes all sorts to make the world. And it takes all sorts of doctors to make this body of medical practitioners. I have learnt from my experience with them that most of them are competent in their trade. In fact, competence is not a rare commodity. But the quality that Dr. Saji has, what Dr. Ganadhaan has, is indeed a rare thing to find among them. That sensitivity to the traumatic condition of the patients and their dear ones, that compassion and the delicacy with which they handle the patients – these indeed are the rarest of commodities. After speaking to Saji, I suddenly felt that, despite my anxiety and fear, everything will be taken care of.

It was Dr. Saji who took a firm decision regarding the course of investigation, a timely decision for which I will be eternally grateful to him. Blood work was repeated and the biopsy result reviewed once we reached St.John’s Medical College hospital. Nothing alarming was found. Everything appeared normal. Sunny and I were happy. So was Dr. Saji when we went to him with the repeated test results and the reviewed biopsy report.

“I would like an open biopsy to be done”, Saji said.
“But why?” I blurted out. “Everything is normal. Isn’t open biopsy a major surgery?”
“Yes. But let us open and confirm that nothing is wrong, that the problem is a benign one, or something you had from birth. But I insist on an open biopsy”.

The implication of his words was not lost on us, but strangely enough, we were not shattered. The thought that Saji was the surgeon who is to do the open biopsy made all the difference. He explained the procedure to us, answered our numerous questions with infinite patience.

True, the Almighty chose to give us a heavy cross, but as Sunny prayed, gave us strength too, in the form of these two doctors and all our near and dear ones, and in the form of a deep faith in the power of the Divine physician to heal.